I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
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so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
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Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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