WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
