a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
