I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize