What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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