I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
