woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
How's work?
Spinning.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
