last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
