I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
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Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
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Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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