NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
