Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
