i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
