I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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