My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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