I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Randomize
