i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize