I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
