she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
