Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
