I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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