i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
