i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
