Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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