I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Drake has all the answers
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
