ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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