I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
