is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
