Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
