i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
