yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
