i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
