I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
