My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can't put those talents on a resume
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize