Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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