She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
