I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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