apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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