Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My breasts were aching with rage.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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