My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
