You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
