I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
