My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
