Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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