Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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