96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
