We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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