Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
