Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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