Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
