Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
