ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
