You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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