I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I smell like Dick and happiness
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
