He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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