Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
