..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Welp...herpes.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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