Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
