My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
