Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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