Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
