I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
